They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
