last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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