you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
