she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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