Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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