Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
