Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
