The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
there's paper in my vomit.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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