Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
