I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
