just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
PANTIES FOUND
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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