I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
