dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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