sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize