I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
