i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
