we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
