he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
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