We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I checked into jail on foursquare
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
