Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
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