"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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