I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
