She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
