whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize