i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
