I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize