Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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