Her vagina should come with caution tape.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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