At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
