Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
