You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
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