dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
