why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
