Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
