you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
