gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
