it wasn't lemon gatorade
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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