I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize