Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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