ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
