I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
