So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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