Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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