I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
