How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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