I'd wear matching sweaters with you
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
