i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
