if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
