I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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