Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
