look no pants
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Someone signed my nipple.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
