Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
