Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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