I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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