it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
