OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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