"it" just moved
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize